Believe Women

The past three weeks have been excruciating for women. 15 year old Christine Blasey Ford didn't deserve what happened to her and neither does 50 year old Christine Blasey Ford. What we have seen in the past three weeks is a clear message to women: you do not matter. But we already knew that and we've been conditioned since birth to please and prioritize others. Never ourselves.

I believe we will win the culture war and the anger that is bubbling up inside women all over will lead them to the polls or make them want to run themselves. In fact, it's already happening. This anger, this deep anger, is valid. We know that 1 in 3 women are victims of sexual assault. It is as common as rain. We know that false accusations are very rare (studies say somewhere between 3 and 8%). To believe otherwise is to assume women are vindictive and evil and out to get men. Sorry, but we're just not that obsessed with you.

There are a million reasons to believe Blasey Ford and only maybe like one reason to believe Kavanaugh, but here we are acting like their testimonies have equal weight. The aftermath of this mess is trends like #HimToo on Twitter spouting false notions that men are victims of women who have an axe to grind. This is supported by the president who believes it is a very scary time for men right now.

But what if bad men are afraid now? Shouldn't they be? If that's what it takes to protect women, I think all men should treat all women like they have Ronan Farrow on speed dial. Being wary of the opposite sex is something women have been subject to since... forever. Maybe the fear of being outed as a predator and socially ostracized is just the kick in the butt these bad men need. And maybe he should have his life ruined if not in court, then in the public eye because hers certainly is. Note: most sexual predators never face legal consequences for their heinous actions.

So, what can good men do? Well, call out behaviour that you see your male friends do that is sexist or hurtful to women. And also maybe do a little introspection about the process of male bonding. Why does it usually happen at women's expense? If you see a woman walking alone at night, cross the street so she doesn't think you're following her. And if you see someone being a gross perv on the subway, stand up. Your physical presence probably means more and is more compelling than hers. Most of all, you can LISTEN.

In the mean time, here is a cool song I found on the internet!

I CAN’T WALK TO MY CAR LATE AT NIGHT WHILE ON THE PHONE

I CAN’T OPEN UP MY WINDOWS WHEN I’M HOME ALONE

I CAN’T GO TO A BAR WITHOUT A CHAPERONE

AND I CAN’T WEAR A MINI SKIRT IF ITS THE ONLY ONE I OWN

I CAN’T USE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION AFTER 7 PM

I CAN’T BE BRUTALLY HONEST WHEN YOU SLIDE INTO MY DMS

I CAN’T GO TO THE CLUB JUST TO DANCE WITH MY FRIENDS

AND I CAN’T EVER LEAVE MY DRINK UNATTENDED 

BUT IT SURE IS A SCARY TIME FOR BOYS

YEAH GENTLEMEN! BAND TOGETHER, MAKE SOME NOISE

ITS REALLY TOUGH WHEN YOUR REPUTATION’S ON THE LINE

AND ANY WOMAN YOU’VE ASSAULTED COULD TURN UP ANYTIME

YEAH, IT SURE IS A SCARY TIME FOR GUYS

CAN’T SPEAK TO ANY WOMEN OR LOOK THEM IN THE EYES

ITS SO CONFUSING, IS IT RAPE OR IS IT JUST BEING NICE?

SO INCONVENIENT THAT YOU EVEN HAVE TO THINK TWICE

I CAN’T LIVE IN AN APARTMENT IF IT'S ON THE FIRST FLOOR  

I CAN’T BE WEARING SILK PAJAMAS WHEN I ANSWER THE DOOR

I CAN’T HAVE ANOTHER DRINK EVEN IF I WANT MORE

I CAN’T MAKE YOU FEEL INVALID, UNSEEN, OR IGNORED

I CAN’T JOG AROUND THE CITY WITH HEADPHONES ON MY EARS

I CAN’T SPEAK OUT AGAINST MY RAPIST AFTER 35 YEARS

I CAN’T BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY IF I'M HOLDING BACK TEARS

AND I CAN’T EVER SPEAK EARNESTLY ABOUT ALL MY FEARS

BUT IT SURE IS A SCARY TIME FOR DUDES

CAN’T TEXT A GIRL REPEATEDLY ASKING FOR NUDES

CAN’T MAKE HER HAVE SEX WHEN SHE’S NOT IN THE MOOD

AND WHAT GIVES HER THE RIGHT TO GIVE YOU ATTITUDE??

YEAH, IT SURE IS A SCARY TIME FOR MEN

GIRLS LIKE TO ACT LIKE YOU’RE TO BLAME AND THEY’RE THE VICTIMS

HER DRESS WAS SHORT AND SHE WAS DRUNK, SHE’S NOT SO INNOCENT

THANK GOD YOUR DAD’S THE JUDGE AND YOU WON’T BE CONVICTED

OH WAIT...THAT’S RIGHT…

IT’S NOT SUCH A SCARY TIME FOR BOYS

THEY’VE ALWAYS HAD THE UPPER HAND, THEY’VE ALWAYS HAD A CHOICE

IT’S TIME FOR WOMEN TO RISE UP,     

USE OUR COLLECTIVE VOICE

THE DAY TO VOTE’S NOVEMBER 6, SO LET’S GO MAKE SOME NOISE

Women and Work

There are more women in the workforce, more women earning degrees and more female breadwinners than ever before. Women are entering the pipeline but they're not coming out; they're not getting funded and they're not getting those senior management roles. They're showing up and being dismissed a lot of the time, even if they lean in. What's up Sheryl Sandberg?

Much has been written about the impact of becoming a parent on women’s careers. It is said that working mothers lose focus and determination. Choosing to “have it all” is usually framed in problematic terms for women. (Less so for men.) The fact is, having a family does slow women’s career progression, but it’s not significant in preventing them from getting to the top. You can't always blame baby fever.

It is often cited that men will apply for a role knowing they only have 50% of the required skill set while a woman will wait until she has 100% of the needed skill set. Women’s reticence to “put themselves out there” is seen as lack of confidence, which means they miss out on senior leadership roles. I see it as being grounded in reality and not letting your ego make decisions for you. Many would say that women make better decisions because they're more risk-averse.

The Old Boys Club is often cited as a source of social access and influence that helps men progress in their careers. Lack of access to traditional types of networking opportunities is frequently used to explain why women don’t appear on the shortlist for top jobs. This point is very important. While women do not reap the benefits of informal networking (and this is damaging), they take full advantage of formal channels to build their profiles and access support for professional development.

So, what keeps women on the career path? Who has what it takes to reach the C suite? Peterson would say that women just can't handle that intense corporate lifestyle. They're too agreeable and leave when the going gets tough. However, the truth of it is that women don't give up on their careers because they can't keep up with the "brilliant" men around them. Lack of promotion and sexual harassment, rather than attrition, seems to be the larger reason why women are running for the exits.

Ellen Pao talks about this very issue in her 2017 book Reset. She says, "The system is designed to keep us out. These are rooms full of white heterosexual men who want to keep acting like rooms full of white heterosexual men, and so either they continue to do so, creating a squirm-inducing experience for the rest of us, or they shut us down when people of colour or women enter the room and resent having to change their behaviour." (143)

What I know for sure is that it's not about stamina or being "stress averse", as Damore likes to say. Women work the double day while being harassed and look pretty doing it. Sometimes bleeding. Name a man who could do that.

Toxic Masculinity

Is there a war on masculinity? No. Not at all, actually. Masculine traits are upheld more than not. Women used to wear shoulder pads to emulate a more masculine look. We're told to lean in and ask for more like the men do.

What is being criticized, however, is toxic masculinity.

Google toxic masculinity and you'll probably find a few rants by man-boy Ben Shapiro on the Left's war on masculinity and manhood or Tucker Carlson making this face on his show:

In a society that teaches boys to be sociopathic robots on the hunt for sex, it's no wonder that we have a rape culture and victim blaming mentality. We can't hope to stop violent sexual behaviour if we insist that dominance and aggression are male traits.

Empathy, which is traditionally a more feminine quality, is not weakness. Vulnerability is not weakness. It's a tool for progress and it's a virtue. Empathy is what makes us human. So why are we stripping men's humanity away? It's not fair to them; it's not fair to anyone.

Building better men is a process and it will take generations because many men find comfort in toxic masculinity. Maybe that's one of the reasons Trump is so popular. He appealed to men's yearning for the re-establishment of “traditional” gender values in which men are dominant, women are subservient, and the "natural" order of things are in place.

A man goes to work. He uses his hands. He gets dirty. He brings home the bacon. Any man in Caro's North Country would know this routine. However, the economy is changing and so is what it means to be a man. Divorcing masculinity from misogyny and violence can only help you. Don't shoot yourself in the foot.

Spade

This spring, I started to write down three things every day that I am grateful for. This would have been unfathomable three years ago when I was severely depressed. I am now able to appreciate the things in life we often take for granted because of my medication, or as I like to call them, my "happy pills".

After Kate Spade's death, I heard on the news that more people are attempting suicide now more than ever before. This is not surprising. What may be surprising to some is that most suicides happen in the spring time. This is because spring gives us a jolt of energy; to get out of bed; to follow through with a suicide plan you've been contemplating all winter. 

Kate Spade was bold and her fashion made a statement. I have always been drawn to it. It's not easy to be the loudest person in the room. It's not easy to be bold. As women, we're supposed to be docile and placid. I have never been described as such things. I have also never been small. I have tried to make myself small, but it never worked and gave me varicose veins. 

For a while I didn't know how to live in this world. This world is harsh. It’s not for everyone. I get it. I’m one of them. One of the dreamers. Other people’s pain is my pain. I carry the weight of the world’s tragedies in my heart. And it’s heavy. 

I also didn't know how to exist within myself and be okay with that. It felt like the world was rushing around me and I was standing still; hovering over myself. It felt like I was walking through a dark abyss, with no end in sight. Sometimes, I would indulge in my own sadness. It felt good. I was also always cold because I wasn't eating. 

It wasn't that I thought life had no meaning, it's that I just didn't care. I slept a lot, most of the time actually, because sleeping was the only way I could escape my endless thoughts. I especially needed some fun in my life. I needed one of Kate Spade's colourful, patterned pieces. I needed a light, or a bag. Sometimes the most trivial things can shift your mood for the better.

What I like most about Kate Spade's style is that it doesn't play on women's sexuality. When you wear her clothes, you attract everyone's attention, not just men's. I love myself a little harder when I wear clothing items or accessories that speak to me and how I want to present myself to the world as an individual. And we all need to love ourselves a little harder. A lot harder, actually.

The War on Education

The world is changing from a labour-intensive, manufacturing-reliant economy to a knowledge-based service economy. We are seeing a backlash to this not only because the manufacturing-reliant economy is a masculine domain while the knowledge-based service economy is a feminine one, but because the knowledge-based service economy requires an educated workforce and education can be "dangerous". Education encourages critical thinking. It allows for the questioning of male privilege. It allows for the questioning of white supremacy. If everyone is educated, it makes people more equal. If everyone is educated, it dismantles the system of power. Goebbels knew this, that's why he ordered the burning of books.

In many ways, our society does not value things like education because it is a soft issue. Government funding is so heavily weighed towards the military and defence industry. Men erect buildings and fight war and this is important. But why is it more important than equipping society with the right to a good education? The Oklahoma Teacher Strike is certainly indicative of this problem. We are not accurately preparing our children for the future economy with the current state of education. We do not value the work of teachers. We need to reevaluate our societal values and ignore our impulse to overlook things that are deemed "feminine". I'm just glad these teachers finally demanded fair payment and respect for their work. It's about time.

Being white and male and able-bodied doesn't guarantee you the American Dream anymore and that can be unsettling. Trump's fixation on factories soothes the plight of the labourer. However, his enthusiasm and promises won't stop automation. The labourer is holding onto an old dream, but no matter his death grip, it will slip out of his hands. Education is a must in today's world. Pushing back won't matter. Skills and knowledge in the new economy must be continuously sharpened and acquired. It's time policy makers, the government and the President came to understand this. The American worker must shift focus, not the American workplace. In fact, the American dream isn't disappearing, it's just changing. So, work smarter, not harder.

We Told You

We told you. We told you we are abused, harassed, maligned. We said too many men are like this. Too many men. The boy in class, your boss at work, a family member. And nobody believed us. If you're not fucking angry about this, then fuck you. What is happening to women is a hate crime. It's not just a character flaw.

It's not easy being a woman right now, in fact, it never has been. If we have learned anything, it's that women don't matter. They are an after thought. They are the special interest group of America. The reckoning we are going through right now is exhausting, horrible and wonderful. For the first time ever, men are experiencing consequences for their actions. They are being forced to be more self-aware and hopefully less predatory.

Change is not easy and we're seeing a lot of push back from men with complaints involving due process, as if due process was ever a thing. The legal system works in men's favour when it comes to cases of rape and domestic abuse or he said/she said crimes. Now that women are taking their stories to the court of public opinion, they are finally getting the justice they deserve. What she says is beginning to matter.

If committing sexual violence is part of what being a man means, then we have a bigger problem on our hands. It means that cultural reform will entail deconstructing masculinity. Given that masculinity and male identity are so intertwined, criticizing masculinity means criticizing the man, and no one likes to feel personally attacked. 

Since the beginning of time, women have been oppressed by man. This has been perpetuated by religion and the fact that men are physically stronger than women. Women are aware of societal structures because they have always been near the bottom of them. However, white men hardly ever notice these very same hierarchies or that they are the sole benefactor of them. Maybe realizing that your position in society is unearned is much too unsettling. 

Woman

There are certain lessons women are forced to learn from a very young age, and many of them involve safeguarding ourselves against the dangers life poses us. We're told we must be careful about how we present our bodies and how we act in public. We're warned not to speak to strange men and told they're only looking for one thing, but then are demonized for expressing caution about talking to those same men because to do so would be misandry.

Being a woman is incredibly confusing because we are sexually attracted to beings that could so easily do irreparable physical harm to us. We dreamt about our Prince Charming as little girls. It always felt so safe imagining ourselves with a man until puberty when almost overnight the biggest threat to a woman is the men surrounding her.

"The courage it takes for a woman to say yes [to a date with a man] is beyond anything I can imagine. A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane, and ill-advised. How do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? We’re the number-one threat! To women! Globally and historically, we’re the number-one cause of injury and mayhem to women. We’re the worst thing that ever happens to them!" - Louis C.K.

Women are aware that men are bigger, faster, and stronger than them and generally have the upper hand. Whether we are at a bar or a club, at school or work, on the street or subway, we feel men's eyes on us and the sexual subtext behind it. The combination of men's physical strength and sexual desires is unnerving and frankly, intimidating. However, I want to make clear that vulnerability does not equal weakness. Women hold the key to humanity and that's the greatest power of them all.

Side note: if you like women only spaces, you'll love The Wing, a new female-only members club in New York founded by Audrey Gelman and Lauren Kassan.