We Told You

We told you. We told you we are abused, harassed, maligned. We said too many men are like this. Too many men. The boy in class, your boss at work, a family member. And nobody believed us. If you're not fucking angry about this, then fuck you. What is happening to women is a hate crime. It's not just a character flaw.

It's not easy being a woman right now, in fact, it never has been. If we have learned anything, it's that women don't matter. They are an after thought. They are the special interest group of America. The reckoning we are going through right now is exhausting, horrible and wonderful. For the first time ever, men are experiencing consequences for their actions. They are being forced to be more self-aware and hopefully less predatory.

Change is not easy and we're seeing a lot of push back from men with complaints involving due process, as if due process was ever a thing. The legal system works in men's favour when it comes to cases of rape and domestic abuse or he said/she said crimes. Now that women are taking their stories to the court of public opinion, they are finally getting the justice they deserve. What she says is beginning to matter.

If committing sexual violence is part of what being a man means, then we have a bigger problem on our hands. It means that cultural reform will entail deconstructing masculinity. Given that masculinity and male identity are so intertwined, criticizing masculinity means criticizing the man, and no one likes to feel personally attacked. 

Since the beginning of time, women have been oppressed by man. This has been perpetuated by religion and the fact that men are physically stronger than women. Women are aware of societal structures because they have always been near the bottom of them. However, white men hardly ever notice these very same hierarchies or that they are the sole benefactor of them. Maybe realizing that your position in society is unearned is much too unsettling. 

Woman

There are certain lessons women are forced to learn from a very young age, and many of them involve safeguarding ourselves against the dangers life poses us. We're told we must be careful about how we present our bodies and how we act in public. We're warned not to speak to strange men and told they're only looking for one thing, but then are demonized for expressing caution about talking to those same men because to do so would be misandry.

Being a woman is incredibly confusing because we are sexually attracted to beings that could so easily do irreparable physical harm to us. We dreamt about our Prince Charming as little girls. It always felt so safe imagining ourselves with a man until puberty when almost overnight the biggest threat to a woman is the men surrounding her.

"The courage it takes for a woman to say yes [to a date with a man] is beyond anything I can imagine. A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane, and ill-advised. How do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? We’re the number-one threat! To women! Globally and historically, we’re the number-one cause of injury and mayhem to women. We’re the worst thing that ever happens to them!" - Louis C.K.

Women are aware that men are bigger, faster, and stronger than them and generally have the upper hand. Whether we are at a bar or a club, at school or work, on the street or subway, we feel men's eyes on us and the sexual subtext behind it. The combination of men's physical strength and sexual desires is unnerving and frankly, intimidating. However, I want to make clear that vulnerability does not equal weakness. Women hold the key to humanity and that's the greatest power of them all.

Side note: if you like women only spaces, you'll love The Wing, a new female-only members club in New York founded by Audrey Gelman and Lauren Kassan.

The Cool Girl

I want to begin by saying that the "cool girl" does not exist. She is a fantasy that both men and women buy into. She is a collection of attributes; a figment of the straight male imagination. She's a perfect role to inhabit in your 20's when you're unsure of yourself.

While I had inner turmoil about being an easy going and complicit woman to appease men in my undergrad, I didn't have the vocabulary to express how I felt about it. We all know the "cool girl", the one who goes out of her way to say that she gets along with men better than women because they're "less drama". She doesn't really ask anything of her man, and she certainly doesn't complain about casual misogyny or sexist jokes.

Canadian women’s rights advocate Julie Lalonde stated, “There’s this idea that if you distance yourself from other women and align yourself with men, not only will they ‘choose you’ over other women, but they will treat you with the same respect they show their friends. It’s a phenomenon known as ‘proximity to power’: the idea that aligning yourself with the person/group in power will give you access to said power.” However, being the "cool girl" doesn't grant you access to the "boys club" and it never will. Men won't take you any more seriously than any other woman. In the end, it gets you nowhere.

I quickly came to realize that I would not and could not be the "cool girl". It ultimately wouldn't make me happy. In reality, the "cool girl" is powerless and silent. Her perspective becomes his perspective. She is basically a glorified doormat. So, be brave. Choose to be the "other girls" instead of the "cool girl". I promise that you'll like yourself a lot more in the end, and that's what matters, right?

Sex Object

“We say 'misogynist'; I've written that 'misogyny kills,' but the world falls flat on your tongue - it's too academic sounding, not raw or horrifying enough to relay the truth of what it means."

In her book Sex Object, Valenti tells a story women know all too well about existing to satisfy the male gaze first and as human beings second. She asks: "What is crazy about killing women in a culture that tells you that women's lives are worth nothing?" This book offers little positivity about the state of today's culture, where on a daily basis, women realize that public spaces are not for them.

Valenti makes clear that while we have made progress legislatively for gender equality, we have a long way to go culturally. She does this by accounting several personal anecdotes, which are sometimes relatable and sometimes not. Sex Object is one woman’s story, and Valenti does not presume to universalize because the way women experience sexism is individualized and dependent on various identities and privileges.

She asks another daunting question: "What do we lose when we grow up believing sexual objectification is normal, unremarkable and expected?". The answer for many women is a lot. As a society, we perpetuate and tolerate a range of attitudes and behaviors that actively circumscribe the lives of girls and women. So much so, in fact, that pink ghettos and women's shelters are the result.

The main point of this book is that women do not exist for male consumption and enjoyment. All of the injustices Valenti describes stem from the belief that this is a man's world and women are just along for the ride. They stem from the belief that men are the basis for measuring humanity. They stem from the belief that women are the second sex.

Looking forward, we must teach boys how to reject cultural messages that perpetuate toxic masculinity and female inferiority not just to enhance the lives of women and girls, but also the lives of boys and men. To do this, we need to rebrand feminism because to say it has a bad rap is an understatement.