Masculinity is in Crisis and Boys Aren't the Only Ones Paying For It

There is a fixation on girl's self-esteem and well-being. Rightly so. However, we rarely talk about these things in relation to boys and men. This is a problem since boys and men are struggling and have been for a while. An unfortunate symptom of their struggle is the hateful ways they treat girls. Their struggle itself is a good enough reason to care, but when their struggle splatters all over the lives of girls and women, I feel it is necessary to speak out.

Men are explicitly and implicitly told that they are better than women simply by the fundamental ways we as a society talk about women in the media and in real life. Men are taught that they should, or have the right to, rule over women. Men have learned to gain status and power through their dominion of women. There are a number of ways men do this. Objectifying women and wrapping up their humanity in how they look is just one way of doing it.

I recently had a conversation with some colleagues about boys rating girls from 1 to 10 and how this phenomenon is really not about girls at all, it's about boys, their insecurity and their hatred of females. It has been happening for decades.

So, how do we help boys and men see that their worth and identity is not tied up in hurting or putting women down? It starts with a complete overhaul on what it means to be a man. We have to talk to our children about the ways gender is used to segregate us and limit us. And we HAVE TO talk about misogyny. Because it's real and it's killing women, directly and indirectly.

You would be hard pressed to find men utter the words "I hate women" or "women should be put to death for having abortions" (looking at you Kevin Williamson). They have mothers and sisters whom they love, I suppose. But supporting women in reality vs. supporting women in theory are two very different things. Most men can only do that latter.

Everyday, women are used as pons in boys' masculinity games. If girls aren't here to serve boys' every whim, what are they here for? And if girls aren't dependent on men, what good are men? This is a particularly important point in 2019. Women have their own bank accounts, occupy a larger percentage of university classes, can buy property and hold down their own jobs. They don't need men. And to men, that's pretty damn scary and pretty damn emasculating.

What most men don't get is that women, heterosexual women I should say, want men. At least, they do right now. That won't last much longer if they continue to act like garbage.

Why Choice Matters

Choice matters because choice is about freedom. Every day, we make decisions about our lives, our bodies, and our children’s lives. Some of these decisions are more consequential than others—like if you should buy a pair of boots vs. if you should vaccinate your child—but they all matter. Through accessing the appropriate health care and being in control of their bodies, women are in the driver’s seat of their lives; they can choose their own path. In the United States, the ongoing fuss over vaccination makes headlines frequently as outbreaks of diseases such as measles become more and more alarming. This is a health care decision that is about people’s lives, but in many places, vaccination is still a choice. Choice only seems to become a problem when it is about women’s bodies because women’s bodies are a political battleground, a site of othering, and thus they must be controlled. Restricting women’s access to reproductive healthcare and education is just one way of doing that. If women are barefoot and pregnant, they cannot dominate the public sphere.

Choice matters because choice is about dignity. Lack of choice reinforces the feminization of poverty. There is a continuing increase in single mother households in the world, which results in higher percentages of women in poverty. Different factors can be taken into account for the feminization of poverty, but one dominant factor is inadequate access to family planning. Many single mothers are not able to go to school in order to put themselves in a position to earn a decent standard of living, or access basic needs such as health care. I imagine parenting alone in poverty ridden conditions can cause emotional instability for both the mother and the child; queue the cycle of poverty. Despite what many would think, it’s not just lower pay and pensions that make women poorer than men. It’s lack of choice. Specifically, the financial and emotional consequences women pay for not having a choice over their own bodies. Feminist communities have known this for a long time: access to contraception and abortion is a vital tool for fostering social justice and reducing inequalities.

Choice matters because choice is about life and death. Although it is mainly considered a problem of the developing world, maternal mortality remains a challenge in North America as well. Given the barriers women face in accessing reproductive services and the absence of a mother-centric approach to maternity care, this information is not surprising. Low-income women living in rural spaces without access to reproductive healthcare services such as Planned Parenthood, cannot be examined by an OB-GYN to confirm that their pregnancy is a healthy one. Therefore, their pregnancy could be a death sentence and that is not a pleasant thought. The message sent here is clear: women are walking incubators and the only concern is the life of the fetus. The idea that women’s bodies and women’s lives matter is so often rejected because women’s personhood has historically been debatable. You only need to look to a few notable figures such as Napoleon, Plato and Walt Disney to understand this. Actually, you don’t even need to look back, you just need to turn on the news.

The Adultification of Black Girls

Why didn’t anybody notice? Well, everybody did notice, but nobody cared because we were black girls.

Few docuseries have captivated me as much as Surviving R. Kelly. He was invisible in plain sight. He destroyed girls and we are all guilty.

The silence, unconcern and lack of sympathy for Black girls and women when they are sexually assaulted is shocking but unsurprising. It is unsurprising because thousands of years of scientific racism (looking at you Immanuel Kant) has allowed for a general societal consensus that black females develop quicker, are more sexual and are somehow dirty. Many young black women do not know life without sexual violence. 

The adults around these young girls were silent. Some say this was the worst part. They felt Kelly was wrong, but turned their heads or walked away. That silence turned into complicity. 

The most public example of his monstrosity (I believe) happened early in his career. My immediate reaction to R. Kelly when he illegally married then 15-year-old R&B singer Aaliyah (Miss Age Is Just A Number), was nausea. She was a child. Later, Kelly would spark joy in kids' souls with his song I Believe I Can Fly, in the 1996 film Space Jam. He hung out outside high schools and in malls; he was a real Pied Piper.

Kelly himself was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and grew up in the projects. I note this because it is a historical fact, not because I think it excuses urinating in a child's mouth. 

My main takeaway from this six part series is that Black girls and women are not given personhood, value or respect in our society. Racism and misogyny have collided to create unique experiences for Black girls and women. It is also unsurprising that so few Black girls and women report sexual assault. As a society, we're much more concerned with them being "fast" than we are with the men who prey on them. 

Supporting Women In Theory Vs. Practice

Happy 2018 9 y'all aka the year the United States congress impeaches the motherfucker. Joy!

For my first blog of the New Year, I wanted to write about supporting women in theory vs. practice. I believe if you have a conversation with any random man on the street, he will most likely believe in supporting women. This is good! Most men are not misogynistic assholes. However, there is a difference between talking about equality in the abstract and taking these big "radical ideas" and implementing them into mainstream society. 

Talking about equality in the abstract is much less unsettling and does not induce the same type of anxiety about the collective action of women that seems to accompany any tangible progress on equality and women's empowerment. 

This anxiety has been most evident recently through Tucker Carlson's mindless rant about successful women ushering in the “decline of men”. He refers to present day as the "dark ages" and implies that feminism has destroyed civilization. The winding thought pattern he lays out is exactly what deters men from supporting women in practice. Because it means more than just supporting their mothers and daughters. Liberating the ladies is about radical social change and entails demolishing the nuclear family and deconstructing masculinity. Woah! Duck!

Most people dislike having their neat and tidy views disrupted. And those views are established quite early in life. It’s hard, painful work challenging yourself, confronting your own prejudices, thinking about how to accommodate your fellow citizens. Most people can’t or won’t do it. That's what makes supporting women in practice so tricky.

It is easier to sit back into the comfortable space of us vs. them, men vs. women. And Carlson does a good job of pitting men and women against each other. He uses basic talking points about false accusations, insecurity, censorship and free speech: incel porn, if you will. However, at the end of this dark tunnel, what I can see more than anything else is that he is afraid and backed into a corner. The patriarch is losing his power, congress is more diverse than ever before, and women don't give a shit about your paycheque because they have their own, and they might just even make more. Shock!

Women's Issues

The language we use matters. This is because language frames the debate. Lakoff would be the first to say this. The very fact that we are calling the group of refugees seeking asylum at the border a "migrant caravan" instead of "asylum seekers" speaks to this very issue. The way we discuss women's issues is also a problem. Why are they called "women's issues" when the issue is not with women, but with male violence and toxic masculinity. Women are always at the centre of the discussion and men always seem to be left out. And when you're left out, you cannot be held accountable.

Until we all focus on the root of the problem — men as a group that comprises some sick, sicker, sickest individuals — girls and women will never be truly safe and able to enjoy their lives freely. The passive voice we use to discuss violence against women is harmful. The focus on crime properly belongs on men and the numbers of men who harm and destroy women.

"Calling gender violence a women's issue is part of the problem. It gives a lot of men an excuse not to pay attention." - Jackson Katz

This week, the UN announced that the most dangerous place for women is the home. Out of an estimated 87,000 women killed last year, some 50,000 — or 58% — were killed by partners or family members. This is not surprising. I am well aware that while the majority of intentional homicide victims are male and killed by strangers, women are far more likely to die at the hands of someone they know. Most likely, a male partner, friend or family member.

Women pay a high price for gender inequality: their lives. And they have a right to be outraged. They have a right to protest without being called "feminazis". It seems men have no idea what it is like to live as a woman. To not know which one of your male friends is charismatic on the outside but an entitled prick on the inside. Obviously, nobody can read minds, but for women, our bodies and well-being are at stake. At the same time, we have to be mature enough not to project the worst of men onto all men. Being cautiously optimistic is a balancing act; one that cannot ever be perfectly executed.

Our Turn

I’ve been dreaming about the feminist utopia in Herland. The book describes an isolated society entirely composed of women. The result is an ideal social order free of war, conflict and domination.

But what would society look like in real life if women ruled? Would it be better or worse? I remember back in high school a well-known, all-girls private school realeased a set of promotional posters for a campaign called, “If Girls Ruled”. The gist was, the world would be a better place and that men are the root of all that is bad. The boys schools took this to heart. Well, duh. It was a lengthy debate topic in their classrooms and even teachers were getting heated about it. I want to make clear, the ad never mentioned boys or men, but it implied a lot; about men, about masculinity and about male leaders. This was one of the boldest feminist campaigns I had ever seen. It was unapologetically candid. 

Obviously, we don’t know what the world would look like if women ruled. But we do know that what’s happening now is not working. We have nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving women a shot. While we can’t say for sure whether women would behave any better (women can be just as selfish as men) we do know that women tend to lead differently than men. They’re more likely to be collaborative and encourage dialogue. My personal take is that there would definitely be fewer pissing contests and wars. That’s not to say women don’t have egos, they do, but their sense of self is not tied to dominating others. 

So what do we do? Do we throw out the baby with the bath water? Some would say yes but that doesn't seem fair. What I know is that as a society, we need to return to our roots and embrace our humanity. The leaders for that crusade? Women.

Why are men so disappointing

His name is Andrew and he doesn’t have a bed frame.

His name is Nathan and his mom does his laundry on the weekend.

His name is Clark and he thinks Jordan Peterson is the greatest intellectual on Earth.

His name is Joe and he stares at you at the gym.

His name is Adam and he bugs you about sending pics.

His name is Kevin and he calls the waitress “darling” before tipping her 10%.

His name is Jack and he rubs his junk on you while dancing at the club.

His name is Chad and you can smell his Axe body spray a mile away.

His name is Brody and he thinks any female authority figure is a total bitch.

His name is Eric and he thinks that #MeToo is a witchhunt.

His name is Josh and he thinks that periods are gross.

His name is Alex and he says he’s a nice guy but he’s nothing of the sort.

His name is Mohammed and he complains about the friend zone.

His name is Tony and he thinks women like to be jackhammered.

His name is Connor and he’ll cut you off when you speak because he thinks he has something more important to say.

His name is Antoine and he thinks the street is his personal urinal.

His name is James and he ignores the sexist or demeaning comments his friends make about women because he’s a spineless jellyfish.

His name is Lucas and he’s scared of the word feminist/women having power and freedom.

His name is Thomas and he thinks talking politics is a sport.

His name is Charlie and he’s rude and dismissive to girls who aren’t super models.